Viceland - CLICHÉS ARE HATEFUL LIES

I like clichés to say in jokes, but I hate people who think they are instructive. Those people are stupid. I set out to prove it by following the clichés to the letter. Watch this…

DON'T LET THE CAT OUT OF THE BAG
Where does this come from? Taking a bag of kittens to the river to drown them because you don't have room at your house? OK, but what's that got to do with secrets? And why would you ever leave a cat inside a bag? It's cruel. What is the cat going to eat? How will it go to the bathroom? What is it supposed to drink? It's also boring. Cats in bags just hang there. They don't purr. They don't even put up a fight unless you poke them. But when you let them out, it's adorable. See? It just kind of walks out and smells the ground and then looks at you like, "What?"

A WATCHED POT NEVER BOILS
Wrong. For a few minutes, the water is still. Nothing seems to be happening. Then there are little bubbles on the sides and bottom of the pot. Imagine a Sprite bottle. Don't get overexcited; there's still a ways to go. About two minutes later, the bubbles increase in size. They get fatter. This is when you might think, "Holy moly, is it already boiling?" No, dummy, not even close. Keep watching. For the next six minutes there will be more and more bubbles on the pot's side, but still no boiling. Keep watching. Right before the water boils, the bottom of the kettle will change color a little, and other things will happen probably, but I don't know. I was wondering about outfits at this point (my eyes were on the water, so it still counts). And then the water boiled.

LIKE THROWING A HOTDOG DOWN A HALLWAY
Now I know what it is like to fuck an old woman with huge flaps if you are a man. It takes a lot of practice and you have to get the angle just right. It is sort of embarrassing and drawn out. But is it worth it? Come on, totally. When the hotdog hits the photographer in the face? Or when it's covered in dust? That stuff is priceless.

DON'T PUT ALL YOUR EGGS IN ONE BASKET
This cliché was written by farmers. I know that because I went to college near a couple of farms. This cliché also happens to be true, which was surprising. You should not put all your eggs into one basket. If you drop the basket, you will lose all of your eggs. Be a smart chicken and put your eggs into a couple of different places (it doesn't have to be baskets). That way, if something goes wrong—like, let's say you knock the basket over—you only lose four eggs and then you have some other ones over there in the sock drawer.

I guess I don't hate clichés after all.

AMIE BARRODALE

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Subject: cats..a bit late
Date: Nov 09 2006 05:01:28 PM
Author: tonky

besides the medeival history, the cat of nine tails that was used to flog sailors was kept in a bag, taking that cat out of the bag meant your ass.

Subject: K
Date: Sep 29 2005 09:43:42 PM
Author: G

CATS ARE JUST ANIMALS DOGS ARE JUST ANIMALS WHAT THE HELL IS THE FUCKING DIFERENSE FUCK YO ALL CAT HATER FUCK YO ALL DOG HATERS FUCK YOU ALL ANIMAL HATERS ANIMALS ARE JUST STUPIS LEAVE THEM ALONE JUST LET THEM LIVE THEIR CRAPY LIVES

Subject: heh
Date: Dec 29 2004 05:49:06 PM
Author: Mike Coddington

I found this article amusing, it's not serious at all, sorta leaned back. It relaxed my day. Heh

Subject: jack clishes
Date: Dec 26 2004 11:06:49 AM
Author: walmrt

1st of all it's cliche, 2nd of all, I know. This article where they act out sayings and that one where they drive a riding lawnmower down the freeway are in every single shitty magazine there is this month, from nylon on down. what do they all have the same ed board or are the writers just recycling their material. oh and the one where the re-write pop songs in urdu. fuck that one.

Subject: it's been done (too many times) before,
Date: Dec 25 2004 10:27:43 PM
Author: jack

My question is, how many people are going to write bullshit articles about taking clishes literally?

Subject: aw cute
Date: Dec 22 2004 03:06:52 PM
Author: mitten

if you rearrange the letters in BARRODALE it spells adorrable, which has an extra "r" but poor spelling is cute too. oh, and i don't hate but am dissappointed when people don't appreciate unique, charming articles such as this.

Subject: This article is garbage
Date: Dec 20 2004 11:22:41 PM
Author: A Loyal Reader (Not really)

This is one of the worst things I have ever read and I read this issues do's and don'ts too. So you know, that is saying a lot.

Subject: AMIE BARRODALE
Date: Dec 17 2004 09:08:51 PM
Author: Some Drunk Guy

AMIE BARRODALE should write every fucking article in the Vice Magazine magazine.

Subject: the caterpillar
Date: Dec 17 2004 12:15:33 PM
Author: elizabeth

in alice in wonderland, my favourite scene is when the caterpillar is all who. are. you.
so, I ask you that.
how doth the little crocodile maintain his shiny tail

Subject: Mon petit turtle-tete
Date: Dec 17 2004 07:46:35 AM
Author: Mushy

Je t-aime.

Subject: John
Date: Dec 14 2004 05:27:27 PM
Author: John

John.

What else can I say?

Subject: On Proverbs
Date: Dec 13 2004 01:43:13 PM
Author: Elizabeth

It's a proverb if you say,

"Throwing a hotdog down a hallway is worth two in the bush."

But then you need to think about if it's true.

Also, "Throwing a hotdog down a hallway gathers no moss."

Don't really want to think about that one.

Personally, I think throwing hotdogs around is fun in its own right. No need to bring hallways or bushes or natural phenomena into it.

Subject: oh, hello
Date: Dec 13 2004 11:49:58 AM
Author: elizabeth

I've never heard that in a more adorable way - spoken in french, "hello turtle head" is just darling - is your name roger?
no - well thats just a guess, anyways you must be from canada - right so am I - well thats good and if you're not, thats ok too, because I'm really just a student living in Canada, an ex-patriate if you will -
le petit turtle-tete

Subject: Oh baby, when I'm dreaming of brunties.
Date: Dec 13 2004 08:14:58 AM
Author: Bon Jour de la Turtle-tete

Ummm... Elizabeth? I'm really sorry for "tearing your party down" as Mo puts it.
I found out who Mo is, but I couldn't find anything about tearing anything down. I don't care. You're right. I sound bitter, and there's no excuse for that.
I thought I was just being clever, and Vice might spot me and ask me to write for them. But they don't even know me.
God I'm so down.
I'm so down
I've got
A frown.
Oww Owww OwwwwwwnnnnnnnnggggggZZHHZHZHZ

A Poo! Good idea.

Subject: bitter
Date: Dec 12 2004 10:24:55 PM
Author: Beth

you seem quite - a dash of aromatic bitters with 6 fl. oz. of club soda cures a hangover - oh I'm so bloated feeling, it might be time for my Sunday Cleveland Steamer - who needs yahoo dating when you have someone willing to let you poo on their chest - I hear you like kinky shit, that just depends who I'm with

Subject: Oochey Lizzie
Date: Dec 12 2004 11:53:30 AM
Author: Zer Grande Purping-cap von und zu Lalala

I'll wait. Tum titty tum tum. Thinking of Beth.

Also check out onliine dating at Yahoo. It's like a brothel. Have you ever tried that stuff? One click. Maybe your party will be fun after all. In which case, no need.

Subject: shrooms
Date: Dec 11 2004 08:17:04 PM
Author: elizabeth

If I wasn't throwing a party right now I'd come up with something clever - elizabeth in full

Subject: ragemanchoo@hotmail.com
Date: Dec 11 2004 07:01:14 PM
Author: Ryan Thompson

"cats are disgusting. do yourself a favor. if you have a cat either beat it to death with a baseball bat or stick it in the microwave until your house starts smelling like your grandma's vagina."

People who kill cats and dogs for fun usually move on to humans. Look it up. Imbecile.

Whinge? What the fuck? Submit it to Urbandictionary if that is actually a word used by people other than yourself.

Subject: cats and bags
Date: Dec 11 2004 12:33:56 PM
Author: ben

I didn't have time to read all the comments so maybe you heard this. But a while back when people actually went to a specific place to buy meat, as in the butcher shop, the butcher would sometimes screw the customer by putting a cheap, dime-a-dozen cat in a bag instead of whatever more expensive meat they actually bought. Hence, don't let the cat out of the bag until the fuckers gone.

Subject: Lithe and Lovely Eliza.
Date: Dec 11 2004 10:32:48 AM
Author: Chanterelle della Hoopsy Mc. mBastiyya.

Yummy!

I 've known two Beths, a Beth-Ann, two Lizzies and maybe seven Lizzes, including my own mother - yeah, fuck you - and three of my cousin's five (consecutive, not symultaneous) wives. I am speaking the truth.

The first Beth, yeah, in fairness, did have a pudgey old ass. But did she hide it well! Fuck, I fancied her so much, I'd stutter from the moment I saw here, even if I wasn't talking. It's not that she hid her pudgey fat ass, but she knew how to make her best qualities - tits, eyes, twitching smile, quick wit etc. etc. - shine forth. Even though I turned into such a hopeless spa whenever she turned up, I still pushed myself forward just on the off chance she'd say, Okay, let's do it. She didn't. We'd have chats.

Are you really lithe and lovely? Why are you so keen to distance yourself from fat bitches? Fuck it. The answer's in the question. But are you one?

And who is Mo?

Answer the Question.

Immorrell

Subject: mmmm
Date: Dec 10 2004 07:28:50 PM
Author: term ill

i cant tell if this girl is cute or not. i'm thinking maybe ugly.

Subject: do you know the muffin, er mushroom man?
Date: Dec 09 2004 10:49:19 AM
Author: Elizabeth

um, no actually, you can't call me Liz - in all my previous interpretations, Liz has been the nomer for a bitchy girl and subsequently, you can't call me "Beth" either - or any other variations of the word - i.e. Bethy etc because Beth notes a fat girl (in all my prior experiences at least, pardon me to all the sweet Liz- and skinny Beth)
As far as anything else goes, I appreciated the words ? Oh yeah and the mushrooms - I love a good chanterelle mushroom - probably my favourite alongside morrels -

Subject: Don't put all your eggs in one basket
Date: Dec 07 2004 05:53:58 AM
Author: Hey, Fuckface -

That one about eggs is shit.

If you don't put all your eggs in one basket, then you have a lot more to carry.

Better idea is to wrap them up in a towel, or better still just not bother your fucking stupid cunting cooking ass with breakable food.

Subject: Reading this article was like...
Date: Dec 06 2004 06:00:02 PM
Author: Bob K.

...Peeing into a violin.

Bob

Subject: Who's heard that
Date: Dec 04 2004 10:04:26 PM
Author: Nouvelle Vague song

Making Plans for Nigel?

So good.

Subject: HEY ELIZABETH
Date: Dec 03 2004 10:46:00 AM
Author: Zer Mushringroom of zer Bastiyya

This is a PS

I am a Bone Fide Random Punter.

And i want to know who the eloquent "Mo" is what says this thing about Vice gettin torn down.

This is very sad. Vice used to be a great magazine, but I guess it went a bit wierd in the end, and the reader-ship couldn't keep up.

Maybe we need a reader-speed-boat!!!!!!

BTW I am called the Mushringroom cos tey are beautiful objects and amd my one is in a kind of prison, like the Bastiyya.

Subject: #12548679
Date: Dec 02 2004 05:48:57 PM
Author: em apiif

I love that ppl are alowed to hate, and hate what they like for that matter. Otherwise it would not be our lovely little wattle coated democratic society would it?
just think how lucky you are... if john howard was big brother, you would all be so fukced over right now. 2 minutes hate my ass.
in other news i liked the artical... it made me spill soy milk to see if i could cry about the milk part and tell secrets with the bean-y part. Further investigations proved it was a load of shit.
thanks for the soy covered floor. xo

Subject: ahoy!
Date: Dec 02 2004 01:40:01 PM
Author: Ahoy hoy?

This was in fact funny, so there.

Also, I don't think, "throwing a hotdog down a hallway" is a proverb. And not one of these is an idiom.

Subject: HEY ELIZABETH
Date: Dec 02 2004 05:04:46 AM
Author: Le Champignon de Bastille

This is an cry from the 'eart.

What you said is soooo soo so right.

People who write negative stuff are just pointless.

And if someone's reading this, and thinking of writing pointless negative shit, just fuck off. Unless it's funny. Quite like that. However, it's really, really important to FIND OUT FROM SOMEONE ELSE whether you are funny or not. If you don't have any friends - and negative people often don't - then shut up. And think - there might be a reason for it. Also remember that if you scare people into laughing, that doesn't count.

And Liz - can I call you that? - i want to say this: yours is the sweetness. Can i say that? And, ummm... well. Nothing! I mean, i don't even know you! God. This is so wierd. It's like deja vu, but i don't know if there's a word for it.

- der Mushroom.

Subject: cat out of bag
Date: Dec 01 2004 10:14:51 PM
Author: brad

back in the good old days (english feudalism) you could screw other market-goers by taking a cat and putting it a bag, and then passing that pussy off as some other kind of animal which I presently forget. and then if you went and let the cat out of your bag, you TOTALLY RUIN YOUR SHIT, because the other peasants are onto you and your scam. Whabam.
oh fuck i see just above this field someone already wrote this. well fuckety fuck fuck fuck.

fuck.

Subject: boo hoo!
Date: Dec 01 2004 09:49:49 PM
Author: generic angry VICE reader

“I read this adorable article on the internet, and I didn’t like it cuz I’m a mean little testicle tumor! Waaaaa, I want my money back!”

Screw those people. If Vice wants to do something cute every now and then, they should go for it.

Subject: cliche/proverb/idiom
Date: Dec 01 2004 05:42:50 PM
Author: santa

who gives a shit

Subject: IDIOMS
Date: Dec 01 2004 05:29:54 PM
Author: roachbeard

They're not cliches or proverbs, they're idioms.

Subject: Cliche?
Date: Dec 01 2004 07:31:29 AM
Author: foggy

Perhaps Amie needs to learn what a cliché is. She's testing proverbs, not clichés.

And I agree, up until this article, there was at least some interesting reading.

Subject: pure genius
Date: Dec 01 2004 04:52:21 AM
Author: nutter

soft kitties rock.

Subject: killer
Date: Nov 30 2004 10:10:39 AM
Author: cats are cool

cats are cool because if you were smaller than them, they would totally kill you and eat your dumb ass. i think of them as furry ninjas.

Subject: ?
Date: Nov 29 2004 07:33:34 PM
Author: YERMA

Who is this stupid bitch and who did she have to fuck to be allowed to write such a stupid article.

Subject: ?
Date: Nov 29 2004 07:24:27 PM
Author: YERMA

Who is this stupid bitch?

Subject: this one isn't that great
Date: Nov 29 2004 04:39:14 PM
Author: polly picket

this is sweet sort of adorable but kinda stupid. it's a nice break i guess.

Subject: 30 seconds I'll never get abck
Date: Nov 29 2004 02:42:53 PM
Author: Anti Manti

what a fucking waste of time and brain cells...

Subject: Cats suck
Date: Nov 29 2004 12:48:15 PM
Author: Cat Sucker

Cats suck. They do. And not well, with their little teeth poking you all the time. I hate 'em

Subject: this article
Date: Nov 28 2004 08:37:50 PM
Author: jimslam

This article gave me little red bumps all over my cockhead it was so unfunny.

No shit Vice is free but shit is shit is shit is shit and I'm going to call it out.

Subject: this article
Date: Nov 28 2004 04:01:26 AM
Author: al

this article makes me want to sit on brunswick street and sip lattes and go buy tsubi jeans with my centrelink cheque. and whinge about how much i hate idol when i watch the oc instead which is easily as shit if not more shit. and probably get pissed off when i see other people wearing cons as if it was a personal insult. you're such a free spirit. fuck you.

Subject: her
Date: Nov 27 2004 09:28:09 PM
Author: ghvnhgfc

shes so pretty

Subject: the little kitten in the first picture
Date: Nov 26 2004 10:00:39 PM
Author: pa

can I buy it? not the one coming out of the bag, the one standing by your feet. I really want it.

Subject: over it
Date: Nov 26 2004 05:27:22 PM
Author: elizabeth

its true this article was amusing I laughed, actually, I sighed like, huh, thats kinda funny, getting hit in the flace with a hot dog, but not a penis - I get it, slapstick, ribald and cliche, love it
I'm so over people "tearing vice down" as mo puts it, over every goddamn article - the fucking mag is free you stupid morons - beggars can't be choosers, unless you're whiney american welfare beggars
there - now make fun of me you dumb shits, bc I insulted you, the article did not - in fact - it was kinda funny

Subject: good or bad shit
Date: Nov 26 2004 10:24:22 AM
Author: detroit

after reading the articles chronologically, getting to this one is like some horny angel elf looking hybrid bitch riding your cock to jelly tot heaven and then curling out a steaming log on your chest before that moment of ecstacy...but is that a good thing or a bad thing?

Subject: aburrido
Date: Nov 25 2004 06:47:25 AM
Author: carmen

this is like a cutsey-adorable article. boring. boring. boring

Subject: oh no!
Date: Nov 25 2004 05:47:48 AM
Author: oh my

this is shit. i mean really... and i am sorry. AMIE, not "good shit". just really, really bad shit.

Subject: Mo:
Date: Nov 24 2004 06:29:07 PM
Author: nyet

Just because a lot of people call a lot of vice articles shit doesn't mean that this isn't shit.

Subject: wiener girl
Date: Nov 24 2004 03:03:43 PM
Author: frankfurter

i really like the picture with the girl throwing the sausage in the hallway.

Subject: .
Date: Nov 24 2004 12:38:36 PM
Author: mo

come on. it was funny, it made me laugh. any article vice puts out you guys will find a reason to tear down.

how cynical of you, you are such a bored soul.
and so clever and ironic. i mean, if you make a really cynical, clever, bored comment maybe vice magazine will ask you to write for them!

haha.

Subject: C'Mon
Date: Nov 24 2004 10:14:03 AM
Author: Me

I was still on the high of the reasonably well-written Nationalist, Socialist, Facist article and it segues right into this pile of shit? This is something that a fifth grader has taped to his parents fridge.

Subject: JESUS
Date: Nov 24 2004 12:06:43 AM
Author: OF SUBURBIA

i can't figure out if i hate green day or not...

Subject: ...
Date: Nov 23 2004 06:26:13 PM
Author: ecarg

sorry but this is shitty

Subject: CAT HATER
Date: Nov 23 2004 05:09:55 PM
Author: HEY ASS

Why don't you stick a cattle prod in your peehole you cat hating sumnabitch, I wish all you jerks were cats instead, and all cats were kittens, and oh ya, fuck you.

Subject: Letting the Cat out of the Bag
Date: Nov 23 2004 03:39:59 PM
Author: Brian F.

I seem to remember reading that this saying came about because markets in medieval Europe used to sell pigs and rabbits (dinner) in burlap sacks while they were still alive. Turns out some sneaky bastards used to put cats in the bag and try to pass them off as pigs and such.

Hooray for useless knowledge.
P.S. I like your explanation better anyway, cats taste like shit (i hope)

Subject: fuck you
Date: Nov 23 2004 12:51:14 PM
Author: fuck you some more

cats are disgusting. do yourself a favor. if you have a cat either beat it to death with a baseball bat or stick it in the microwave until your house starts smelling like your grandma's vagina.

Subject: that is pretty cute
Date: Nov 23 2004 09:57:21 AM
Author: cat squeezer

I don't know what it is with cats and maybe I have a problem but when I see a picture of a cat walking out of a bag I want to hug it so hard it explodes, but then reforms and isn't hurt. it seems to me that hugging a cat until it explodes is the only way to quench the cuteness