NEWSLETTER

THE VICE GUIDE TO RUSSIA

PART 8: Ш - Я

(Sh)—Shucks

False modesty and affected self-loathing are not good strategies to win over people of any strata in Russia. You don’t want to be the type who says “shucks,” even in coded irony. In the West, false modesty, proving that you can laugh at yourself, and self-loathing are all just strategies intended to show how strong, cool, and self-aware you are. It’s one of those coded social lies that come naturally to us, but which are exposed for what they are in a culture as direct and fearless as Russia’s. Only a loser would tell people that he’s a loser. If you hate yourself, then why the fuck should anyone else waste their time on you?



(Shch)—Sound you’ll never distinguish

The letter for “shch” sounds to our ears just like “sh.” It’s used in words like borshch and Khrushchev. Ask a Russian to say “borsh” and then “borshch” and see if you can tell the difference. If you can, you’re a liar. There’s a cluster of letters that make no sense to the Western ear as you move down to the end of the Russian alphabet, and this one’s the first.



(Hard sign)—A letter used to fool you

The hard sign is put after a consonant to make sure it’s pronounced with its full, “hard” sound. It’s one of those old letters you put on a word to make it look antiquated, like how we use “Ye Olde Shoppe” to make a business seem more old-fashioned.

Today lots of banks spell the word “bank” with the old-fashioned hard sign at the end of the word, as if to say, “Hey, we know we just started this bank a few years ago because it was illegal to do banking for 80 years, but we’re going to call ourselves by its 19th century spelling so that you think we’ve been around a long time, and forget about the fact that we’re going to wire your cash to Aruba and disappear tomorrow.”



(iy)—Vowel sound you’ll never make

It’s impossible to imitate this sound. Sort of like an “uh”-“oo”-“ee” combined, but mostly “ee,” and you say it with your lower jaw jutted a bit forward and your mouth wide and slightly ajar. It’s one of those quintessentially Russian sounds that make their language so beautiful (when spoken by girls).



(Soft sign)—Sound you might be able to make

This letter softens the consonant before it. For example, say the name Larry. Hear the way you say the L in Larry? That’s a hard L. Now try doing a kind of “la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la” trill, fast and in falsetto. Hear how you have to soften your Ls to make it sound melodic? Notice how the tip of your tongue is pressed a little farther back against the roof of your mouth than with a hard L? That’s what the Russian soft sign does to an L.


Ekranka: Crushing pirated DVDs

photo by AP


(Eh)—Ekranka

Ekranka means “little screen,” and it refers to pirate DVDs that were shot by a goon inside a movie theater. It’s nice knowing that your money is going to some track-suited thug rather than some greasy Hollywood titan’s offshore bank account, but the movie’s are pretty hard to watch. Especially when silhouettes get up to go to the bathroom.



(Yu)—Yulia

Another way Russians are unlike Americans is in the name department. The entire country has six names for guys and six for girls.

The girls are all named one of the following: Natasha, Nastya, Lena, Sveta, Ira, or Yulia. The guys are all either Sasha, Sergei, Vlad, Igor, Alexei, or Dima.

So far the younger generation doesn’t seem to be showing any desire to move away from the six-name model. As soon as we start seeing “Courtneyvitch” and “Jeffolvavlad,” we’ll let you know.



(Ya)—“Ya Sam” hand cream

The creepy thing about Ya Sam is that it’s marketed as children’s lotion, with all kinds of kiddie-writing on the bottle. At least those kiddie-drawings give you something to think about while you’re ya-samming. Sorry to end this whole thing with a lame kiddie porn joke but I’m horny.

MARK AMES


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