NEWSLETTER

THE VICE GUIDE TO RUSSIA

PART 4: K - M

Kalashnikov

photo by AP


(K)—Kalashnikov

The AK-47 is one of the greatest—and onlyest—inventions by the Soviets that the rest of the world wanted for themselves. Let’s face it, the Kalashnikov beats America’s M-series assault weapons. It’s built for the filth, dust, and sloppiness of war, unlike the M-16, which was designed to win over easily-dazzled politicians in order to secure lucrative contracts. The proof is in the marketplace: Until the day comes when the Somalis start pirate-producing and hoarding M-16s, you gotta give it to the Kalashnikov.


Lubyanka

photo by AP


(L)—Lubyanka

Everyone thought that when the Soviet Union collapsed and Yeltsin took over, the KGB (Russia’s CIA) was gone forever. Crowds pulled down the statue of Felix Dzerzhinski, the founder of the NKVD (the old name for the KGB).

Yet, the more things change—as in the name of the state security apparatus, which is now the FSB—the more things stay the same. The KGB is far from gone. Russia is once again being run by its own security apparatus. President Putin, after all, was a KGB lieutenant-colonel and headed the FSB just before taking over Russia in late 1999.

Most would say things have become even scarier since Putin. FSB headquarters, for example, are in a building called Lubyanka, a menacing granite structure right in the center of Moscow, across the street from the Children’s World toy store.

A lot of people were executed in the Lubyanka’s basement: The famous Swedish Holocaust hero Raoul Wallenberg and many of Stalin’s top Bolshevik rivals, like Bukharin, Kamenev, and Zinoviev. Stalin’s henchman Yagoda, the one who helped start the Terror, was killed there. So was Yagoda’s successor, the midget Yezhov, who ramped up the Terror and finally died in it. In fact, during the Terror, so many people were being shot on a round-the-clock basis at Lubyanka, they parked trucks around it and had them rev their engines all through the night to muffle the sounds of gunshots and screaming.


Militsia

photo by AP


(M)—Menti, Militsia, Musor

These three words all refer to one organization—the cops, or “the trash” in slang. These guys are completely different from the cold-blooded goons in the KGB. Their main business is to suck bribes out of people. One branch of the militsia, the traffic police or DPS, can pull you over for anything under the sun, including having too much dirt on your car (this is the filthiest city on Earth, remember?). When you’re pulled over you have two options: Either pay the official fine, which involves a horrible wait, paperwork, and hassle; or “settle the matter on the spot, in the human-style.” Such a bribe will cost you anywhere from five to twenty bucks, sometimes more.

Last year two traffic cops pulled over an SUV in Moscow and demanded a $100 bribe. The driver didn’t have the money, so they handcuffed him to the back, beat him severely, and drove his car to one of the cop’s brother’s house. Along the way, they picked up several bottles of liquor, and upped the bribe to $100,000. Miraculously, they were pulled over by one of their colleagues, whom they shot and killed when he wouldn’t get in on the gittin’.

Cops also prey on foreigners. The best racket is catching them with unregistered visas. If they catch you with drugs—or if they plant drugs on you—it can cost you anywhere from $100 to $1,000 or more.

That’s the good news. If you can’t pay your bribe or if you run into drunken cops or if you’re a dark-skinned immigrant from the Caucasus, then you might wind up kissing their truncheons and boots with your whole body. There was even a full-on militsia-wilding in the Urals-region town of Blagoveshchensk where, in 2004, cops went on a three-day rampage, detaining over 1,000 15- to 30-year-old males and torturing many of them, including fathers walking their babies in strollers.

Daryl Gates ain’t shit.

MARK AMES

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