NEWSLETTER

THE VICE GUIDE TO RUSSIA

PART 3: Ж - Й

Zhirinovsky

photo by AP


(Zh)—ZHIRINOVSKY

Vladimir Zhirinovsky first made a name for himself as an extreme nationalist just when the Soviet Union was collapsing. In the first post-Soviet parliamentary elections in 1993, Zhirinovsky’s party, the hilariously misnamed Liberal Democratic Party of Russia, won in a landslide. He threatened to use nuclear weapons against any adversary, promised to retake Alaska from the United States, suggested setting up giant fans to blow all of Russia’s waste to Germany, and talked about invading and occupying Iran so that Russian soldiers could “wash their boots in the warm waters of the Indian Ocean.” He even posed in his underwear for Playboy.

Zhirinovsky was also a great friend of Saddam Hussein. The Iraqi dictator paid the LDPR millions through the oil-for-food program and in return Zhirinovsky steered the Duma on a pro-Hussein course and denounced the U.S., calling on Iraq to bomb American targets.

A scandal erupted a few years ago when it was revealed that Zhirinovsky’s party members—a vile collection of thugs who bought themselves a seat on his ticket—had such violent, wild parties that they were literally destroying parts of the Duma building. Not only did the walls have holes in them, but security and cleaners found everything from blood, needles, and vomit to piles of human shit on the couches and tables.

Just this year, Zhirinovsky made headlines in America by going after Condoleezza Rice. How’s this for a quote? “The true reason of Ms. Rice’s attack against Russia is very simple. Condoleezza Rice is a very cruel, offended woman who lacks men’s attention… Condoleezza Rice needs a company of soldiers. She needs to be taken to barracks where she would be satisfied. On the other hand, she can hardly be satisfied because of her age.”



(Z)—ZAGS

If you’re an American guy marrying a Russian chick, you’ll need to deal with ZAGS, the wretched Soviet-era government agency that registers marriages, even in these post-Soviet times. Think of it as the DMV, only a hundred times worse in terms of hassle, rude civil servants, long waits, and impersonal atmosphere.

After leaving ZAGS, you can join the other couples by laying some flowers at the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier at the Kremlin. Then take some cheesy photos on Red Square. After that, it’s the wedding party, where you’ll be forced to drink until you vomit. And then, once you actually get your spouse back to America, well, my friend, let the magic begin. As in disappearing-act magic. As in “Where the fuck is my Russian wife at five in the morning!?” magic.


Ikra

photo by AP


(I)—Ikra (Caviar)

The UN doesn’t have much clout in Russia. For example, you can buy the United Nations-banned Beluga caviar in any supermarket. Russians don’t have a very highly developed concept of conservation, so when the UN warns them that eating Beluga sturgeon eggs is wiping the fish off the planet they shrug their shoulders and say, “So?”


Iyoshkar-Ola

photo by Kommersant


(short I)—Iyoshkar-Ola

Iyoshkar-Ola is the capital city of the Mari El Republic on the Volga River. It’s literally the shittiest, most depressing city you’ll ever visit in the Russian provinces—quite an amazing feat considering the vast archipelago of squalid, doomed, small-to-mid-size cities scattered across those 11 time zones.

The locals think it’s pretty shitty too. That explains why Mari El has the highest suicide rate in the entire world. Some experts have tried to pin the astronomical suicide rate on something cultural. The Mari are a Finno-Urgic people and it’s true that Finns are particularly susceptible to suicide (witness the high rates in other Finno-Urgic countries like Hungary, Estonia, and the Russian republic of Udmurtia), but the Mari rate is roughly triple that of Hungary or Finland, with about 17 suicides a week in a population of just 750,000.

Others say it’s because the Mari still widely practice paganism rather than good ol’ soul-supporting Christianity. Since the Mari were just about the last pagans in Europe to be converted a few hundred years ago, Mari El is the only republic on the European continent where pagan rituals and shamanism are still commonplace.

Of course, the real reason is simple: Mari El is the poorest republic in European Russia outside of the Caucasus region, and its capital, Iyoshkar-Ola, is a pocked-cement pit of a city. Who the fuck in their right mind wouldn’t throw themselves out of a window there?

MARK AMES

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